the outer circle

A night at Amigos

2011-06-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Amigos Chow Line

Every Thursday night the Outer Circle hosts a gathering we call Amigos. Our purpose for this gathering is to provide a space where our Christian friends from the street and our friends from church can mix it up and learn to follow Christ together. I say this, because an outsider walking into our kitchen or living room during a typical Amigos night might not be able to figure out what was going on. It is a complicated scene.

By 5:30 a meal is usually nearing completion. What this meal looks like depends on each person's contribution for the night. It is usually a hodge-podge of food bank faire and some large, simple, and delicious main dish, perhaps chili or spaghetti. The clanking and banging of pots that functions as a musical prelude during the preparation of food for a group is accompanied by a quartet of singing, crying, and chasing-each-other-through the kitchen two-year-olds. Add to these sounds, conversation, laughing, especially Jessica laughing, a timer going off to remind Claire to take the biscuits out of the oven, and it is understandable that it requires yelling to gather everyone to pray for the food.  

Once circled up and in the kitchen, we all join hands. The kids either want to hold hands with the adults or stand in the middle of the circle and ham it up for the crowd. Capitalizing on a moment of quiet, I pray: "Lord, thank you for this chance to be together tonight. Thank you for this food. Please be with all of our friends that don't have any food or anyone to be with tonight. Please bless our fellowship, amen." Then plates are filled up, and the eating begins.  

Dinner actually goes by quickly. It's the transitions from prep to meal, meal to clean up, and clean up to worship that end up taking the most time. When the dishes are done and most of the people have moved from the dining table to the living room, someone starts playing the guitar to kick off our worship time. Somehow, when we sing together at Amigos no one seems uncomfortable. It's fine with everyone if someone sings loudly and another doesn't sing at all.  

After we finish singing, someone from the group teaches on a passage of scripture that has been helpful to them recently. This week it's my turn to share. I sometimes struggle about feeling discouraged and have recently been looking at some scriptures about pressing on. After reading Philippians 3:7-14 to the group I ask, "How do you all press on? What makes you continue to want to live and seek God?"

A few different people share their experiences or advice. Someone reads a verse that they find helpful when they are feeling discouraged. Then Joe shares.
Joe

"My biggest problem is my own stinking thinking. If I listen to the advice that I give to myself, I get in trouble fast. I have to figure out how to shut me up and listen to God. Praying usually helps. I pray everyday, every time I leave my house. I struggle with myself everyday," he says.  

Joe's simple, honest advice spurs me on, challenging my hopelessness. Something shifts in my heart and mind. I feel lighter. I am encouraged. I am grateful for this community. We pray to close our time together and another night of Amigos is over.

todays inspiration...

2010-08-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

-Oscar Romero
(who served the people of El Salvador and was assassinated in 1980 while he was saying mass in San Salvador.)

Songs from the Street

2010-05-18T16:02:00.001-07:00

I just posted a page where you can listen to 'Songs from the Street', the music compilation that has been dreamed about for several years! Look at the top of the blog to see the link.
enjoy

application

2009-12-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

I was walking with Molly to the memorial. Her dad and brother had died.
She had spent the night and I am currently in the night time rhythm of reading some cool quotes about Jesus that inspire me, so we had read a Fredrick Dougless quote that read “I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.”

Now it was probably 1 am by the time we had calmed our giggling and crying and settled down to bed so we were pretty tired and emotionally fried as we walked to the memorial. We were quiet as we got closer.

Memorials in the park are held by getting really drunk and writing a note on something to remember them by.

“Jesus,” I began to pray “please keep everyone safe today, and keep alcohol away from this memorial.” Molly laughed. I glared at her- “what- I can pray for a miracle.” I responded. “Maybe we should start praying with our hands” she responded.
I smiled.

Merry Christmas from Jashobeam

2009-12-16T11:11:00.000-08:00

Jashobeam is our angel on our tree this year.
He is named after one of David's mighty men, and loves to sing punk-rock christmas songs.

-paul

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-30T12:08:00.000-08:00

This was our thnxgvng crew this year. and here are some more pics from the day...

you can buy these beads...email me if you're interested :)

On Mt. Tam

2009-11-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

So this is us on the top of mt. tam!
It was windy and cold. we were celebrating luke, courtney, and claire finishing their novitiate commitment.
Top row, L to R: Jess, Mariah, Corrina, Courtney, Jacob, Claire
Bottom: Paul, Luke, Weston

2009-10-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Tattoos hurt.
But they are art so we bare with it for the result.
The artist (hopefully if all went well) brags to friends about how fast and sharp he threw up the piece on your arm.
“Nah, the pain wasn’t that bad. Only 6 hours of work.” You respond to the inquiries hoping for that nod of affirmation that -yes, you are a bad ass.

Allowing Jesus to work on us hurts.
It is uncomfortable.
He may brag to the angels how great we are doing, how proud he is of us but we don’t come out looking like a bad ass, at least not to our eyes.

I am on a solitude retreat right now.
Sitting still.
Allowing God to work on me.
Show me pieces of me I never knew were there.
Lousy prison tats.
He is doing a clean up job.
And it is beautiful.
When I go home I am sure I will complain.
I won’t like the colors he chose.
It should be a little smaller or more to the right.
But that is a slam on his art.
And he only does perfect work.

So I will go back.
I will bite a sock and ask for more.
Lay out on that plastic table.
Awkward, half naked and a little scared
and ask,
What are you thinking now Jesus?
I am ready.

Tiny pricks on my skin
The ink sinks in
The blood rises
I am a masterpiece
Of my Fathers hand.

mother teresa is cool

2009-08-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

release

2009-03-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

as they fall

I’m reminded

of their refreshing role

to express deep

and complex things

their ability

to communicate far beyond words

they respond to that inside

their droplets of beauty

which washover my face

renew a needful heart

I lose to them

coming under their release

they stream down

with each one that falls

I remember your care

I know you see them

they were stored for years

believing they represented weakness

acknowledging I have needs

I need you Jesus

in disbelief, mourning, joy, and sadness

I need you

I need you to pour from me

fill me, come closer to me and move inside of me

its wonderful to be reminded

apart from you i cannot stand

my life comes from you

you alone make things right

I see these things in tears

not spelled out

but in a mysterious way

like your kingdom

continue to come my tears

saturate this heart

that is yours and in great need

untitled

2009-02-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

when nothing is left and you cant find the answers
for why things have gone and disappeared into blackness
i've tried to remain but change happens fast
too fast to notice until it's long past
trapped
etching inside are proverbs
i've been here before the static no longer bothers
fathers
cannot make life any harder
mothers
love lost to drugs
my offerings are altered
custom fit crosses that come taylor made
i've buried the hatchet reopening graves
being haunted by demons is hard to forget
i'm waiting for patience that doesn't come quick
my quest continues maybe this is as good as it gets
my clothes are still ripped from the the chain linked fence
full of incense from the bowls that were lifted
laid open and bare in the presence of drifters
the organized mislead
organic mechanics
trapped in the orbital magic of bad habits
and the ancient agreements
of those who have come to a decision
nobody asks for the life that their given
a prison surrounds the tap water with bars
we all fall apart and reopen scars

by wes

Advent Conspiracy

2008-11-22T12:25:00.001-08:00

adventconspiracy.org

to nini

2008-11-20T11:51:00.000-08:00

These are some Lyrics to a song I wrote about a girl I met on the street who reminds me of "Juno" from that movie- cute, witty, young and determined.

She came over to my house one day and we were patching some holes in her pants and talking about life and I smiled at her choice of fabric- some faux fur- to patch her jeans but knew it wouldn't stay on and I thought about how she was doing the same in her decisions in life when I knew of some (God related) fabric that could really patch things up beautifully.

To Nini

i saw your face today on the TV screen and my heart jumped

i love you Nini

your little face and your patchy jeans make me smile

and make me want to

make it all better

i wanna make it all better

Will you let me make it all better?

We can stitch your heart just like your jeans.

Will you let me make it all better?

I'll choose the fabric.

it wasn't your face today on the TV screen but my heart jumped.

i love you Nini

when i think about you i cry

and quickly move on to other subjects

you left far to fast and aren't all better

Jesus make me all better

you can stitch my heart just like her jeans

Jesus make me all better

You choose the fabric.

Nomads Movie

2008-11-17T21:36:00.000-08:00

this movie features the Outer Circle "Nomads" of 2008
luke, courtney, emily, and caroline

Outer Circle Nomads from Paul Nix on Vimeo.

pancakes

2008-09-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

here is a 2 minute video showing a little of our normal monday mornings.
enjoy!
(song is 'come to the table' written and performed by Darren Prince...outer circle alumnus)

2008-05-12T09:21:00.001-07:00

man made

that which never was

brings sadness

i made it what i wanted

and it left me sad

the perceived world

leaves one end

reality

desperate for what i wanted

left sad by the way things are

show me what is real

as to spare this sadness

over things i wished were

bring to light

that which is real

and far beyond what i perceive

I've Walked Through the Desert Heat

2008-04-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

a poem by our friend Scott Mitchell

I've walked through the desert heat

I've felt its sun blister my skin

I've shivered in the Montana snow

And even predicted my own end

I've slept with one eye open

In an alley way where junkies fix

Stolen from corporate America

Just for stupid silly kicks

I've sat for hous on city streets

Sparen for left overs and change

I've lied for the sake of lying

When the truth wouldn't hurt

I've lived a life of insanity

So illogical and absurd

And those who've tried to love me

I have simply pushed aside

Drunkenness and self loathing

Are the fortress walls in which I'd hide

Lord please take this sinner

And please save me from myself

I'm lost with no real direction

I need you Jesus an no one else

Come into my heart, Dear Lord

And teach me to walk within your light

Weaken me, for you're my only strength

Walk with me both day and night

Dawn of Day

2008-04-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is a song by our friend Scott Mitchell

'Dawn of Day'

:chorus:

The dawn of day I miss so much

Watching the darkness melt beneath the light

Like an angels burning touch

Still somehow I can never seem to get it right

:1st verse:

So here I sit inside this cage

Lord please take this anger and rage

Hatred tries to rise up again

It's so hard once it all begins

People here that claim your name

then curse each other it's so insane

So I write my prayers in poetry

I want you not the majority

Guard me heart soul and mind

As once again I'm doing time

:2nd verse:

I heard a convict claim your love

While his knuckles still stained with blood

I guess his idea of mercy and grace

Is bruising up someone else's face

Blessings and curses fill the air

Hypocrites and liars pollute the air

It's so hard not to sit and judge

It ain't easy trying to live in love

Lord help me stand against the odds

Enemy to the world I'm a servant to God

2008-03-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

I stand outside in the bright sunlight and think of God.
I think about how I want to feel Him.
How I long to be drawn into his Kingdom.
I want to know Him deep down in my bones.
I pray to know Him...but I feel nothing.
I look at brilliant red against dreary grey.
Then He speaks to me: To feel Me is to see My beauty.

The Holy Spirit speaks to me through creation and I am satisfied.

hagar's song

2008-02-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

i knew i had to tell the story of how hagar fits with our life and the kids we hang with when i came across the passage a year ago in Genesis 16.

so i finally wrote a song.

u can click on the quicktime thing over to the right to hear it.

here are the words:

we are born and we're given names

she was born and she was given away

so to her that name isn't worth

anything anymore

she gave it away when she ran away

does she know that you know her name

does she know an angels on its way

now she's running away from pain

she was powerless like a slave

so she took to the highway

will you find her, will you save?

does she know that you know her name

does she know an angels on its way

you are the god who sees her

you are the god who will find her

you are the god will heals her

you are the god of the run-aways

where have you come from, where are you going?

what is your story, girl?

who sinned that she should end up this way?

who is to blame for the run-aways?

Geography of Grace

2008-02-09T10:09:00.001-08:00

Check out this blog:

Geography of Grace

It is a very insightful and rich perspective on Faith and our World.

The creators of the sight work with Mile High Ministries in Denver, CO., an urban mission community that is doing some great stuff.

Reaching Down From Heaven

2008-02-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

I made this movie back in October,

here it is finally on the blog!

enjoy, and please comment with your thoughts, reactions, questions!

-paul

Meditation on the Stations of the Cross

2007-10-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

Station #5 Simon Helps Jesus Carry His Cross (Luke 23:26)

Simon of Cyrene had no idea what that day would hold for him. He was on his way in from the country, probably had plenty of important things to do, probably had no desire to help this criminal. And yet they laid the cross of Christ upon him to carry. Now identified with this condemned one as some reviled and others lamented. Yet I imagine Simon was never the same after this interruption to his day. As his eyes met with those of a very pathetic looking man. Battered and torn and unable to carry his own cross. Probably not a savior or a king in Simon's mind. Yet as they labored under the weight of this suffering, no words exchanged, but many glances and helping hands - he encountered God. And could never have been the same after that day. Maybe haunted by that face. Maybe set free as he watched the events unfold.

And I, as I labor, encounter Christ in the "distressing disguise of the poor." I'd rather not be interrupted. I'd prefer the weight not be so heavy. But he looks back at me with eyes like flint. And I will never be the same.

Station #10 Jesus is Stripped of His Clothing (Luke 23:34)

The cross is not only a place of pain and sorrow, but of shame. They stripped from him his clothes and divided them up. All earthly chance of pride was gone. Complete vulnerability. No way to save face. He is a high priest who can sympathize.

My friends on the street are often stripped of honor and dignity. And handed shame. Living their lives in front of watching, darting eyes. Waking up on the sidewalk - their bedroom.

You know shame, Lord Christ. And you bore it. You bestow honor. You clothe in robes of righteousness. You are exalted. And you exalt your children to reign with you.

Sidewalk, Octavia Street

2007-10-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

(a story shared with the congregation of First Baptist Church in July)

Outside of First Baptist, a hundred people are lined up along the sidewalk, waiting for dinner. I am talking to one of my friends waiting in line. He never misses dinner on Wednesday night. We both here yelling toward the end of the line and look up in time to see a woman swing a red milk crate and hit her boyfriend in the face.

I quickly jump up and move toward the conflict. I see another friend, David Ramirez, moving in to hold her back and I expect the fight to be over before I have to do anything. As David steps in, the woman also hits him with her milk crate.

Now I am close. I see her face, her rage in gritted teeth and clawing fingers. I look into her eyes and the ice cold presence of the evil one active and working in front of me freezes my blood. I am suddenly small. I am completely terrified. I hold out my hands toward her and begin to pray for peace.

The woman is screaming about murder and still trying to get to her boyfriend. With my hands stretched out toward her, I begin to move her up the sidewalk away from the crowd. Still praying for peace, I feel the Spirit of the Lord first in my hands then in my whole body. I ask the woman her name. As she is yelling, she tells me her name is Marilyn, then lunges toward her boyfriend again. This continues for a few minutes. She is getting angrier and screaming louder. I am trembling, scared.

Marilyn in the name of Jesus Christ I command you to be quiet. The yelling immediately stops. She begins to quietly sob as she lowers herself to the ground. Kneeling down beside her, I place my hand on her back, and continue to pray for her. I softly say, “It’s o.k. Marilyn, it’s o.k.”

Suddenly, Marilyn tenses up and begins slamming her head against the wall we are resting against. Startled, I quickly hold her head in my hands and ask the Lord to free her from the oppression of the evil one. She collapses into my arms. Peace finally comes. Sobbing, she begins to tell me pieces of her life on the streets, pieces of a life lived under the wait of addiction and prostitution.

She looks up from the ground, eyes filled with tears, and says between sobs, “I‘m a whore. No one will ever love me.” Breathing in deep, trying to hold back tears I say, “I love you Marilyn. I love you because Jesus loves you.”

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says, “I want to marry Him.”

“Marilyn, he wants to marry you. If you want Jesus, pray this prayer with me…” That night she married Jesus.

Church, Body of Christ, bride of Christ, breathe in deep the love story of Jesus that you are a part of and let it impact every part of your life. Amen.

New Apprentices

2007-10-03T21:59:00.001-07:00

Michael and Jessica moved in this week, and are staying for 1 year.
Mike is 32, from New Mexico, and is giving the rest of his life to missions.
Jess is 23, from Fargo, and is fresh out of the University of Nebraska...

Here is the new Outer Circle team picture.
From top to bottom (left to right): Claire, Michael, Paul, Mariah, Luke, Peanut, Jessica, and Courtney

by faith abraham lived in tents

2007-08-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

As I grow in understanding the culture of the kids of Haight St., I see more and more that they are better known as ‘drifters’, ‘nomads’, and ‘pilgrims’ than they are just plain homeless. They don’t feel at home in America. They are looking for something different.

And know this: their way of life and culture is closer to Abraham’s, Moses’, and Jesus and his disciples’ lives than the stationary, wealthy, individualistic, and (boring?) culture of the majority of Western Chrisitanity.

“…having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.” Hebrews 11: 13-16

It is easier to convert someone to your own culture, and then introduce them to the Kingdom of God than it is to start with Jesus. “Therefore let us go to him (jesus on the margins?) outside the camp (mainstream culture?) and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come.” Hebrews 13:13-14

Letters From Prison

2007-06-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is from a great friend of ours who is doing time. He included this in a letter he wrote to us.

_____________________________________________________________

I wrote this after praying for my Street Family.

To Whom It May Concern:

It’s June 6, 2007 and I’ve just finished reading “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul.” I was not disappointed in all of the stories in which I read. I’m sitting in San Quentin on a parole violation and for the first time I have been using this time to reprogram my self to look for the good in life rather than the bad. It’s not always easy to do in here where your race and muscle determine the level of your manhood. Where negativity is the most popular religion and violence is merely a tool in which we use to separate the weak from strong.

I always thought of myself as a badass before I was put in here. Even though this is my fourth visit I’ve changed in a lot of ways. I no longer see the world as those who are strong and those who are weak. Instead I see people who apply themselves to seek out solutions, and those who choose to cause problems. On a level 3 yard problem makers are the majority. Young kids come in here eager to prove their loyalty to what ever cause, even if it means senselessly killing another human being to gain that “respect”. I’ve met 18 year old kids who talk about getting their points high enough to graduate to a level 4 yard the way most college students talk about graduating college with a masters degree. This breaks my heart.

I also see people who enroll in school, or sign up to learn a trade they can use upon release. I see Lifers that will never see the outside world again encourage others to take parole planning courses to help them learn how to stay out of here. I’ve seen convicted murderers pray for God to use them to teach others not to use violence in order to gain “respect”. I’ve seen miracle upon miracle here in the depths of desperation and hopelessness.

What have I learned from these experiences? Life is what you make it and you are what you think. I’ve spent a lot of my life thinking I was stupid, mean, rebellious, violent, tough, above the law, and exempt from consequences of my behavior. Now I CHOOSE to see myself as loving, loveable, positive, peaceful, understanding, open minded, prayerful, and forgiven. I seek Jesus and try each day to respond to stressfull situations as if Jesus was standing next to me. I pray for the strength and wisdom as well as a forgiving heart. I pray to be a tool of light in this world of darkness.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I know what it doesn’t hold. It doesn’t hold alcohol, drugs, violence, self-centerdness, hopelessness, or crime. Today I seek out people who live in the solution rather than bleed within the problem. It’s no longer what the world can give to me. Its what can I give to the world. I don’t care who you are, what race you are, what your sexual preference is, or what gang you belong to. I love you! And you are worth every blessing God longs to give you. But its up to you to reach out your hand to receive them.

Just a Forgiven Sinner,
............
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, or envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26

conversations at night

2007-06-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

i love the night on haight street.
it seems to bring out truth.
the farce of joy through drugs.
the lack of love in last nights partner.
the real questions of, "what am I doing here?"

when night hits the homeless friends i find left on the street are either so drunk they can't move or are so depressed they don't care.

that is when i see people who are open.and desperate no one is around to impress. they are simply there and sometimes ready for Jesus.

Picture for me a little blond haired boy, he just got into the city today, traveled all the way from the east coast, he is about 20 and looks like surfer. today he made a mistake in the park and dropped a needle. he got beat up 4 times for that today. his lip is bleeding. he didn't know better. they all look like they shoot up, but the truth is they just all hide it. "no needles in the park" is the street rule. he just didn't know it. now he is sitting on the side of the street crying into his big army surplus backpack hoping no one will notice and beat him up again and wondering what to do when his girlfriend arrives tomorrow. he is wanted back home for selling drugs so his mom bought him the ticket to the land of peace and love- Haight Ashbury. it was a long bus trip but he had made it and was excited to start his new life. well, that's all gone. he begins to cry again. "everything i have ever done has been screwed up!" he had met his girlfriend in the psych ward. he was there for heroin and she for cutting. smiling he had explained how they had helped each other get better and over come their addictions. he loved her. she understood him. he had been clean for 3 months, and the needle he dropped wasn't even his. "how will i be able to care for her here...everyone around here is so tough. there is no peace or love in san francisco. i can't do this. i can't even sleep in the park now that i was beat up. i don't know what to do. i am so tired. i just want to shoot up." he rolled over on the concrete and layed his head down on his backpack and then punched it. "i give up."

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

Restorer

2007-05-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

We are

crying
sowing
weeping
scattering seed

Let us

reap
shout
joy
bring in sheaves

We are dreaming
You're restoring
We are laughing
You are moving

Four Twenty

2007-04-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

smoky haze
pipes of glass
hacking coughs
another pass

sacred herb
ganja treats
come bow before
a god that cheats

fading brain
glassy eyes
just cant move
believing lies

thief of life
slowly steals
clouding truth
of One that heals

great escape
forget pain
rich and poor
toke the same

Good Wind blow
fresh and clear
Cleansing One
please draw near

the Sky is the limit

2007-04-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

This is Sky...one of the most incredible guys I have ever met.
He loves Jesus, so much so that he has been living out God's call to him to live on the streets and minister to his brothers and sisters around him. Praise God.

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first. Matthew 19.29-30

2007-03-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

growth, sun, san francisco

I. Old waves sigh

like farmers watching

strip malls sprout

from strawberry fields.

Like farmers,

each high tide

remembers

holding muddy earth

in its hands,

sowing among dunes and cliffs

a peninsula.

II. Once sowed,

roots of a city

planted on peninsula

are bound between

terra cotta pot

sea walls.

Growth is sunward,

light a privilege

forgotten by

lead heavy blood

pressed,

pulsing

through paved arteries

of street life

far below

post card skylines.

III. At the edge of

Golden Gate Park

a girl the streets call

Little One,

holds a potted baby rose

blooming blood red.

The rose,

stolen earlier that morning,

is a Valentine’s Day gift.

Moving her face

close to cupped petals

she breathes in

red bloom sweetness,

growth,

love for a moment,

and says:

“I think I’ll find a sunny spot and plant it.”

age and the contemplation factor

2007-03-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise to me that street people start reconsidering their life choices in their mid-thirties. A flash of introspection happens at the magical turning from 29 to 30, but quickly fades. Later on, between 34 and 40, people start wondering if this is going to be it. A decade of heavy drinking, hard partying, camping on the streets, traveling by freight-train, and harassment by the cops: it's all a blast until that one day when you wake up bruised and vomit-covered at 35, and you wonder if there might be more to life.

In my years around this scene, all the major life decisions have happened during this vulnerable moment of conversion. When friends I know decided to wise up (and sober-up) and move in out of the park (often to live with us), it was often on or near a birthday in their mid-30's. That's when the contemplation moved to a deeper level . . . as if, somehow, the constant party had worn thin and they could picture, for the first time, the prospect of growing old this way.

It could easily be a mantra that we invest our lives in twenty-somethings so that they trust us when they become thirty-somethings.

just cuz we are friends.

2007-02-26T23:42:00.000-08:00

When I was in college I met a girl who I wanted to be friends with. She was fun and had sparkles on her tennis shoes. We hung out at the new student retreat and were excited when we found out we shared a class. We sat by each other and passed notes and smiled our way through the first few weeks. One day early on she brought me a mango smoothie. No real reason, she just did. And I knew we were friends.

One day last summer I was talking to a girl I knew and someone came up and told her that her brother was here. That is how I met him. I was worried about his influence on his sister because he likes hard drugs a lot. He liked to dress all tough with a black leather jacket and brag about his habits. Today he called me. He is in the hospital. He wanted me to know he is ok. We got to talk for a while and laugh. I told him I would pray for him and asked what I could bring him aside from cigarettes (which I had already refused). He laughed. I am going to see him tomorrow and bring him a chocolate bar. No real reason, just cuz we are friends.

Contemplation: paintbrush

2007-02-26T18:39:00.000-08:00

As God paints the canvas of the universe I focus on single bristles of the brush. Here is my bad day as a bristle, or here is the very essence of God's light as another bristle. Just bristle after bristle floating over a canvas that is forgotten with each breath.
However, as followers of Christ we are called to firmly plant our lives and worship in the brush of God, not the bristles. The bristles should only point us to the brush, and an understanding of the brush should be rooted in a trust of brushstrokes. These brushstrokes over a grand canvas become portraits of God's creative heart.
______
Ushered forward by the Holy Spirit, the divine masterpiece that you have been a part of hangs on the wall in front of you: your jaw drops to the floor and the electric pulse of creation jolts up your spine.
The canvas before you is so whole, so large, so complicated that you begin to understand the need for eternity. This is no afternoon visit to the art museum. Look up. The masterpiece covers the ceiling. Walking the streets, oily rain water on sidewalk becomes the canvas. Among the change at the bottom of a beggar's cup, you see the canvas.
This masterpiece, shining with brilliant color and composure, is showing up everywhere now. On your knees you reach out and touch the surface of the canvas. Only by the lightest running of your fingers over the paint can you feel the remnants of smoothly blended brushstrokes. There are no traces of the brush bristles now, just brushstrokes, masterpiece, and eternity to take it all in.

Friends & Ice Cream

2007-02-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

A couple Saturdays ago, my teammate Luke and I were walking through Golden Gate Park. Like usual, prayerfully asking God to guide our steps and enable us to connect with people and communicate his love. We came upon a big pile of street kids sitting on the hill in the sun, warming off the chill from the previous night. As Luke talked with some guys, I sat down next to ..., a 19 year old girl our whole team has been getting to know over the last month and a half. She sat on her skateboard, resourcefully patching the holes in her pants with scraps of fabric and dental floss for thread. We chatted as she sewed. When she finished patching a hole, there was a small piece of fabric left with no hole to cover. Most people would throw it away, but even the smallest scrap of fabric is useful when you where the same pair of pants every day. She gave the little one square inch piece of fuzzy leopard print fabric to me to sew on to my pants...a seemingly small gift, but very meaningful to me. I'm currently eyeing the holes in my jeans, determining which one is worthy to be adorned with her patch.

She had gone out for ice cream the night before with Luke & Courtney. She had had a rough evening and needed to talk so they treated her to ben & jerry's, talking over cookie dough about the many struggles of her life. I asked her if she had a good time etc. A few minutes later in the conversation, after thinking quietly for a few seconds, she looked at me and said, "You didn't get to go to ice cream last night and you really like ice cream. I have money today and as soon as I finish sewing these patches on, I want to take you out for ice cream." My empty pockets seemed to burn as I realized I had no money with me to pitch in, but I said okay. It was really precious to watch over the next hour or so her hospitality in hosting me and Luke for ice cream. It's better to give than to receive....and sometimes it's better to give someone the chance to give, that they might experience it's joy. I was blessed to see this girl, who has no earthly reason to trust or like anyone, treat us with much kindness. She asked if we would be okay with McDonald's because it wasn't very expensive. We said that was great. We told her to get one hot fudge sundae that all three of us could split. She bought two...and made sure we were enjoying it before she partook herself. When she spilled a few peanuts from the package and noticed the birds liked them...she poured a bunch out for the birds, because they should have some too. She made every effort to make sure that we were enjoying our ice cream, like any good hostess at a dinner party, even cleaning off the trash at our table as we sat. Jesus said when we do something unto the least of these, we've done it unto him....and I wonder, when the least of these does something for us, is Jesus giving us a gift? Oftentimes I come expecting to give, and God asks me to be ready to receive.

She has an incredibly sweet disposition after living through the hardships that she has. She has made many bad choices. But the choices she had to choose between and the choices I had to choose between were worlds apart. I am glad to serve a God who is sovereign and just, but who is near to the brokenhearted and whose heart is saddened by the profound pain in our world. It's not okay that she had the childhood she did and that the foster care system wasn't much of a help. As a girl so affected by her surroundings, it not okay that her surroundings have consistently been life-stealing rather life giving. The thief did indeed come to steal, kill and destroy and it is painful to see his theft, murder and destruction at work. But I rejoice that there is one who came that we might have abundant life, and that she might have abundant life. Please pray for her, that the longings within her she seeks to fill with boys, drugs, and the adventure of the open road...would be found fulfilled in the deep deep love of Christ. Grace that is far deeper than the depth of human sin and need. I long for she to hear the Father tell her that she is his daughter, that he has adopted her into his family and clothed her with robes of salvation and given her a new name. Pray that she would respond to God's pursuit of her and that the other things she pursues would be found lacking.

like Abram, like Lot

2007-02-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

This week in Second Helping we studied chapter 14 of Genesis, when Abram rescues Lot and then meets the great Melchizedek.

We talked about how most of us identify more with Lot than with Abram's great faith; always making wrong choices and needing to be rescued over and over again. Unfortunately, we know that Lot will return to Sodom, and will need to be rescued again--seems that he just doesn't get it. But God is merciful, using his uncle Abram to rescue him time and again.

Paul writes in Ephesians 2 "And you were dead...But God, being rich in mercy...even when we were dead...made us alive together with Christ...by grace you have been saved"

God is a rescuer, a deliverer, a saver. Let us never forget that, even while we strive to be like Abram in faith, that we are still rescued like Lot, and that it is only God's mercy.